All Along
by dolceeevita
Summary: Clare never stopped loving him you know, even when she told herself and everyone else otherwise. Set primarily during "New Beginnings" and the beginning of "Showdown."


Takes place primarily in "New Beginnings," dabbles in "Now or Never" and ends in "Showdown."

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

She never stopped you know.

Caring about him...okay _loving_ him. It was like night and day for her, loving Eli Goldsworthy. Yet, she wasn't good for him. She had been his trigger, the Pandora's box that unraveled his issues until he had to seek help.

Maybe it was a blessing in a disguise, but at least he was getting better.

How did she know he was getting better? From the moment he tried to fix her and Jake's relationship; the sadness in his eyes when among their best friend's agony, he had real genuine sympathy about her _situation_.

That wasn't all, however. Clare Edwards kept her own tabs on him. She would sneak in a look while he was at a safe distance in the halls, stumble upon him with his new friends laughing at The Dot, and of course subtly (except not really) questioning Adam about Eli's well-being.

Today, however she was keeping tabs on no-one but the reflection in the mirror before her: a tear-stained blue-eyed girl, with disheveled curls and a broken spirit.

"You alright?"

Clare turned around to see Adam, her best friend and what seemed like the only friend she has left.

"I'm fine."

Adam furrowed his eyebrows, "I am sorry about Jake."

She wiped her tears and forced a smile, "It's okay. Want to hang out tonight? I could use a distraction."

Adam was about to confirm until he realized..."Wait, I actually have plans-

"Oh is it alright if I crash? I just need to get out of my house-

"It's with Eli."

Clare couldn't tell whether her heart sped up at the mention of Eli or furious that once again their breakup had to effect their friendships.

"Oh..."

"I can cancel-

"No, no! Don't you dare Torres. Have fun. I need catch up on some reading anyway."

They exchanged goodbyes before heading to their next round of classes, but she couldn't help but want the three of them hanging out again, as the misfits they once were.

For the rest of the day, she didn't think of Jake Martin.

* * *

She sat at her usual table, waiting for her usual hot cocoa, while reading her usual vampire fiction. Her life had reverted to a shell of a former time, and the girl didn't know how to stop herself from sinking to the depths of her own demise.

How was everything the same, but so different?

She stared out the window, looking for a sign of what could be possibly come next. Within a moment, a dark-haired boy ran past the café in dark workout attire. She blinked and he seemed gone, but the next thing Clare knows he was sitting on the other side of the café with Fiona Coyne. He was out of breath, but bearing a beautiful smile - happier than she's seen him in months.

_He was happy and healthy._

She smiled at this thought, and was grateful he was too engrossed in his conversation to see her grinning like an idiot.

"Here's your hot cocoa."

Her gaze on Eli had broke as the barista brings her back down to reality: she was drowning in her own issues.

"Thanks...but can I actually have a coffee instead?"

Clare had some thinking to do, as she snuck one more glance at Eli who continued on his running trek towards happiness (and away from her.)

* * *

This wasn't _home_.

Not that she knew exactly what home was anymore. The "community" environment was exactly what she needed to get away, despite the reservations that kept tugging on her conscious. This idea is up there with Eli's old schemes, but she can't help fight the innocent girl who was telling her to suck it up and go home.

At home, she had to live under a roof where the boy she once kissed was now family and her mother basked in the happiness of the honeymoon era of her new marriage.

At school, Clare was surrounded by people who had become ghosts in her life and couldn't even look at her in the eye.

All she remembered of a home once long ago is soft smiles, infectious laughter, and a promise that alluded to forever.

This was the closest to home she had felt in a while, yet while staring up at the chipped ceiling she still felt completely alone.

* * *

It had been days since the "incident" and Clare Edwards still couldn't help but laugh at the events in her life in the past year: parent's divorce, failed relationships, boyfriend turned stepbrother, a new family, and being involved in a situation that involved drug dealers.

"Tacos tonight, _sis_?" Jake yelled across the hall.

She nearly turned red from embarrassment as the entire hallway stared at them, including a pair of emerald eyes.

Clare gave him an evil look and mumbled, "Sure."

"I can't hear you!"

"Sounds good BRO. By the way, you mixed up your laundry AGAIN and now it's all PINK!" Clare said loudly back.

Everyone in the hallway laughed at their exchange, primarily at Jake and he gave her an "you'll pay for that later" look.

She walked down the hall content with herself, and met the approval of emerald eyes.

"Hi," she said, unaware of the girl who resided on his arm.

He smirked back and Imogen chimed in, "Looks like you told him, Clare!"

Clare's eyes met hers and the context became clear.

_They're together_.

She laughed it off, "I guess so! See you guys."

"See you, Clare," Imogen said cheerfully.

Clare swore she heard a whisper of a goodbye from Eli, but it was best to pretend it was in her imagination.

* * *

It wasn't her intention to intrude on the privacy of her ex-boyfriend. She was merely picking up her Co-op application papers for next semester. She was waiting for Ms. Oh to finish with another student, and couldn't help but stop dead in her tracks at the site of _them_ locking lips in the classroom next door.

They were happy and a part of her hated it.

Why was she so..._jealous_? This was Eli. They had broken up forever ago. Clare didn't really care who Jake dated now, and they hadn't even been broken up for a few weeks. But with Eli-

"Hey Clare. Ms. Oh is ready for you," K.C. interrupted her frustrated thoughts.

"Huh? Oh right!"

"What are you staring at?"

"Nothing!"

K.C. snuck a peek into the classroom and grinned, "Spying on your ex?"

Clare and K.C. didn't talk much anymore, but when they did he still managed to tease her.

She easily retorted back, "Like I don't see you watching Jake and Jenna hang out, K.C."

He threw his hands up in defeat, "No need to get personal Edwards."

"Sorry, that wasn't fair."

K.C. smiled, "It's alright. I gotta head to practice."

She waved him off and headed to meet Ms. Oh, when K.C. called back to Clare:

"Hey Clare?"

She turned around, "Yes?"

"I am really over Jenna."

Clare rolled her eyes, "Sure-

"Just like you're over Eli."

She wanted to yell after him and deny it, but Clare Edwards didn't protest.

* * *

_"You never just stop loving someone, either you always will, or you never did in the first place."_

She thought about the quote Eli tweeted awhile back and laughed at the irony of it, as she tried to give Adam advice on his secret admirer. Adam, above anyone she knows deserved to find love. He had been to the end of the world and back, and it's about time somebody chased after him.

"Who knows Adam, it could even be one of your old flames."

Adam choked on his tea, "Clare, I have no 'old flames.'"

"Fiona?"

"She's a lesbian."

"Bianca?"

"Still in love with Drew."

"Okay, fine. But you never know when your past could come sneaking up on you."

"Clare, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing. I am saying don't make assumptions."

He eyed her carefully, "Not buying it."

She looked up in defeat, "I saw Eli kissing Imogen."

"So?" Adam grinned, "You want an Eli update, don't you?"

"Not at all. I was just curious-

"You're allowed to ask how he's doing."

"Really?"

"Not really," he teased, "It's a sign you still care."

"Of course I care! We were friends once-

"They broke up."

Clare was slightly relieved, yet confused, "Why? They seemed happy."

"For about two seconds. Eli wasn't ready for a relationship, plus they rushed into it. They're better off as friends."

"Oh."

Adam laughed, "Is that all? Do you want a full report of what we do next time we hang out?"

"Shut up Adam. Look, let's get back to your secret admirer and what you're going to wear tomorrow night."

"Fine. I am still not wearing denim though!"

"C'mon Adam," Clare pouted. "Look, Jake has another jacket I think you might like, let me go get it-

"No!...and Clare, he asks about you sometimes too you know."

She turned around and blushed in private, "I'm still going to get the jacket."

* * *

The 'Degrassi Daily' was her chance at a new beginning. Clare and Jake were on good terms, Alli and Jenna were speaking to her again, and even K.C. and Connor were back in her friendship circle. Things were finally beginning to look up in Clare's life, but she couldn't help but have the nervous edge when Eli entered the room.

She knew it was in her head, but she felt him watching her trying to figure this new Clare out. That first night working on the paper she was quiet, too nervous to show how she changed in the past year.

While he was getting healthier, she had let her issues consume her. She didn't want to show her desperation that she needed 'Degrassi Daily' to be spectacular; Clare especially didn't want to awaken any feelings. _Right__?_

Yet, Clare couldn't help but go through old photos of the former couple that evening.

_"See you tomorrow?" Eli said with a warm smile._

_"Sure! Thank you for helping out. I really appreciate it."_

_"Please, I'd be disgracing my name if I let anyone else write about theatre."_

_"Well, if it's all about keeping your title as Degrassi's 'Drama King' I'm glad I could help," she teased. _

_"I'll give you a killer article tomorrow, Edwards."_

_"I wouldn't expect anything less."_

Were they flirting? They only had been in the same orbit for about two hours and their banter already started up again.

She looked through the box that she kept hidden under her bed in anticipation, it had been almost a year since she even touched those memories.

Photos of them kissing at their "spot," Eli's photos of her eyes in the sunlight, the surprise birthday cake her he made her (but burned) were just some of the memories that infiltrated the box.

Jake knocked on the already open door, "Hey, dinner is ready."

She looked up, "I'll be right down."

He glanced at the floor suspiciously, at this point she had spread the photos across the floor.

"What's all this?"

She flushed, "Nothing."

Not satisfied with the answer, he entered the room completely and sat down next to her.

"Nostalgic for your ex?" Jake asked with amusement. It's funny how the two surpassed any jealously borders that once existed between them, he asked her as a brother versus a former boyfriend.

"Well, Eli is helping with the newspaper and I-

"Still have feelings for him?"

"No! I just wanted to remember what it was like before all the bad stuff. He- he's like his old self now, but better."

"Clare. I know you and Eli had something special."

Jake paused, "When we were together, I knew that a part of you still hoped for a reunion."

Her eyes widened, "How did you know that?"

"You never deleted his messages."

"What?"

"On your phone-

She was suddenly furious, "You went through my phone!?"

"Calm down," he said gently. "I wanted to leave you a note on your phone a long time ago and I accidentally saw your saved notes. You never deleted the ones from Eli. There were other things too - like the way you would mention him out of nowhere when you got mad or how you never took down that picture of you two in your locker - even if it was hidden behind your other pictures. I'm not stupid, Clare."

"Jake, I never meant to," she sighed in defeat "I did love you."

He grinned, "I love you too, but it doesn't mean we were in love."

"Anyway, I am starving. Don't worry too much. The paper will be great and you will find your prince charming - even if it's a dark one," he teased.

"Ha, ha," she said sarcastically. Her tone softened, "You're going to find an amazing girl too, you know."

"Oh, I know sis. Don't you worry about that!"

* * *

The printing room seemed smaller than she remembered.

Was it her or was it hot in the room?

"Man, it's kind of chilly in here."

_Oh, boy._

Clare laughed awkwardly, "I guess so. So..uh how's your pants?"

"My what?"

"Did you manage to get the stains out?" _Why, why. Stop talking Clare._

Eli's eyes sparkled in amusement, "They actually survived. Dry cleaning. No harm done, Clare."

The printer signaled for more paper, and Clare immediately went to work while Eli watched her.

"So, want to crash the Frostival after?"

He caught her off guard, "What?"

"I have two tickets, and was wondering if you wanted to go for a bit."

_The Frostival, right._

"Uh-

"You could say no, I was just suggesting we celebrate all our hard work-

"I'd love to," she said quickly before he receded the invitation.

"Great," he said with a stunning smile.

"Only if you eat cotton candy though!" she couldn't help but tease. 

He flinched but recovered, "Please, you don't know me at all. I love cotton candy!"

"Sure," she said with a twinkle in her eye.

* * *

_"I need to know if you mean what I think you mean."_

The words resounded in her head as she skipped home, with the taste of his lips still lingering.

He tasted different now, almost like cinnamon. She blushed at the thought of taking such a leap, incredibly unaware of what to do next.

Clare shut the door to her home with a similar spring in her step that mirrored their first date long ago, but this time she had a step-brother to stop her.

"Frostival was fun then, yeah?"

She smiled confidently, "800 copies of the 'Degrassi Daily' printed and still time to go to The Frostival!"

"'We' being you and Eli?"

"_We, _being the team who worked on the paper and _yes_ Eli."

"You kissed didn't you?"

"No."

Jake laughed, "Whatever you say Clare." He messed up her hair and proceeded up the stairs.

She smiled in excitement and took out her phone to text him: "Have a safe trip to New York!"

* * *

She never stopped loving him you know, even when she told herself and everyone else otherwise.

Days, weeks, and months she tried to get rid of Eli Goldsworthy from her heart only to finally realize he captivated it in a way that no other person could truly take over it. Between their love of writing, the arts, overall public humiliation, and connection they were bound to cross paths again.

If anything, it was exhausting pretending she didn't care. They were older now, slightly wiser, and each went through hell and back.

She was ready to fight for him, and for the first time in a long time she felt like the real Clare Edwards.

Sure, texted several times over the break- but Eli wasn't revealing his cards with good reason. She broke his heart and last year they made a complete mess of not only their relationship, but their friendship too.

However, when she saw him across the auditorium none of that was a concern.

All she could think about was getting to kiss him again.

* * *

Alli Bhandari spied a troubled Clare Edwards sitting on the couch staring at the hockey boys downing the "King Cup" in disgust.

"Hey there, Clare bear."

"Those guys are gross!" she stated trying to avoid her own problem.

Alli smirked, "Yes, a group of hockey players showing off - what a new development!"

She glared at Alli and then noticed she had her jacket on, "Are you leaving?"

Her best girlfriend nodded, "I'm heading over to Dave's for the night."

"So soon?" Clare said with slight desperation.

"He's sick!" Alli knew the real reason behind her panic, "Talk to him Clare, he's outside sulking."

"Really?"

"Probably waiting for you."

She shook her head, "He's been avoiding me all night."

"No, you've been avoiding the issue." Alli's phone beeped, "I've got to go, you got back my tonight right?"

Clare smiled, "Of course, you're staying over my house - no questions asked."

The girls hugged, "Thanks Clare. Everything will be fine. If you want Eli, go get him!"

Alli pointed outside one last time, before heading out for the night.

_This was it_.

* * *

The kiss is better than she could have ever imagined in those two weeks she pictured kissing him again.

_All in._

She had always been 'all in' from the depths of her heart, but it wasn't until life taught her what those words really meant.

Loving each other through the good and bad, understanding that a real relationship meant getting through the storm together - not apart.

She gently caresses his face, it surprises her how soft it is.

_Has he always felt like this?_

"I've missed you," he breathes while their foreheads touch warmly.

"You have no idea, Eli. You have no idea."

Their hands intertwine and they sit for a moment, basking in a moment that still seems unreal.

"Eli?"

"Hmm?" he mumbles as he smells the vanilla in her hair.

"I never stopped caring you know," her voice cracks, barely above a whisper as her head lies comfortably against his chest.

"I know," he soothes and kisses her hand.

And suddenly, she feels whole again.


End file.
